It hurts
by Spy for the Right
Summary: Bella and Jasper have a heart-to-heart talk. NO J/B SHIP. SIBLING-Y-STUFF! Someone dies in this, and mentions of self-harm.


**Firstly: I recommend listening to Hello by Evanescence. Everything else at the end. Oh, and this isn't a J/B ship, this is Siblingstuffy!**

**After Bella's B-day but before they leave.**

* * *

'It hurts to be forgiven, does it not?'

Jasper was shaken out of his reverie by a soft, angelic voice. He looked up to see Bella walking towards him. He made to stand, but she pulled him back down. Not that he couldn't have escaped, but he might've hurt her.

_Again_, his mind provided.

'We need to talk.' She said confidently.

'Edward-' He began, but he was cut off.

'- can go fuck himself. I want to talk to you. Unless _you_ don't want to, we're going to talk.'

He sat down.

She was staring over the forest with a far-away look.

'There's so much to do wrong. So many chances to make mistakes. But it's not the disappointment from others that hurt. Nor the sorrow.' She shook her head minutely. 'No, being forgiven hurt the most.'

She sighed, her eyes transfixed on a mountain lion nearby as it stalked its pray with slow, certain movements.

'There's so much you've done wrong,' she said, but Jasper sensed she wasn't talking about him specifically. 'So much, that when people just _forgive_ you, when they say _it's okay_, it feels like you're hit with a boulder.'

_Yes_, Jasper thought. _That's exactly how it feels._

'You feel like you don't deserve their forgiveness. Like they should be angry with you. And the ugly truth is, they should.' She looked at him, then, her brown eyes filled with age.

'They should be angry. But not with you. With themselves.

'Because there was never anything to forgive, was there?'

She looked away again with a soft, forgotten smile, a smile that seemed to tell tales. Jasper found himself focusing on the mountain lion along with her, letting the wind flow past him.

'There was never anything to forgive because there was never anything done wrong. Yes, you made mistakes. But you're human, aren't you.'

She chuckled, then. 'Don't answer that.'

The chuckle died down to a soft, sad smile. 'It wasn't your fault, Jasper. You sensed the other's thirst, and combined with your own-' she shook her head abruptly. 'I can't imagine that. I don't want to. But there's one thing I know.'

She turned to him, and her eyes bore into his own with an enormous intensity. 'You're strong, Jasper. Physically. Mentally. _Emotionally_. And Emmett and Carlisle couldn't have caught you unless even a small part of your mind wanted to be caught.

'So don't hate yourself. Don't keep beating yourself up. Just let go of that feeling and accept that you couldn't have done it better,' This part was said wistfully, and Jasper suddenly found himself asking a question that hadn't been formed fully in his mind.

'How do you know so much about how it feels?' He spoke softly, not wanting to disturb the quietness around the house. His mind registered that the others had left.

Bella noticed him looking towards the house with wide, surprised eyes, and laughed sadly. 'I asked them to leave,' she explained, but made no move to answer his other question. Finally, he prompted her to.

'Well?'

Her right hands unconsciously caressed her left arm, and her eyes turned even sadder.

'When I was fourteen,' she started. 'I made a mistake.'

The story started flowing then. 'I used to be best friends with Amelia Johns. She was three years older than me, so she was allowed to drive. She had this wicked car. It went super fast, and it was completely red with a large, golden lightning-bolt across it.

'She graduated early, because she was a wonderful student. I honestly am amazed she even talked to me. But she always said that I was way too old for my age, and she felt like she was talking to someone her own age, except I couldn't get into the clubs.' Her eyes sparkled with mirth and sorrow, and he instinctively reached over to pull her into a hug. She smiled up at him.

'You won't hurt me, Jasper, don't worry.'

_I know,_ he agreed mentally, but verbally didn't react.

'Anyway, she somehow managed to get me into a club. It was amazing, I have to admit. She was never the responsible one, so the first thing she did was get me some alcohol. I didn't drink a lot that night. I wasn't even drunk.'

She sighed heavily. 'Sometimes I wish I had been drunk. It would've been an excuse.' She closed her eyes and leaned her head on Jasper's chest.

'She did drink a lot. She was tipsy within half an hour. Drunk with another hour. She just kept drinking.

'I should've stopped her. I should've called the barman, or mom, or even Mrs. Johns.

'I didn't.'

A single tear trailed down her cheek. Jasper gently wiped it away. She opened her eyes and smiled softly, focusing her eyes on the water. With a soft sigh she wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees.

'I always imagined being hit by a drunk driver when I imagined being involved in a car accident. I never imagined _being _the drunk driver.

'She died immediately. I suppose that's worth something, isn't it? No pain. Just black. Nothing.

'I woke up in the hospital with a broken arm, some wounds on my leg, a small concussion, and a strained neck. Mom was there when I woke up. The first thing she said was ''You're okay.'' and with the way she said it, she never had to say anything else.'

She was openly crying now, but Jasper didn't try to calm her. It wouldn't help in the long run.

'Mr. and Mrs. Johns came to visit me. They reassured me that it wasn't my fault, that she shouldn't have drunk, that she was the adult.

'That hurt more than the collision.'

_Yes,_ Jasper thought again. _I imagine it would._

'But that wasn't even the end. You see, I began to cut.'

Jasper's eyes tried to widen and narrow at the same time, and he pulled his little sister in a tight hug.

'I wanted to bleed as she'd done. I wanted to repay her. I wanted it to hurt as I'd hurt her family.'

She pulled up her sleeve and stuck her arm past their cover. Jasper watched as the newly-falling rain washed away a considerable amount of foundation to reveal angry, red scars.

'I cut deep,' she said, unnecessarily. Jasper traced them.

'Nothing ever hurt as much as that. Not even James' venom.'

She sighed, her right hands caressing her scars. 'I stopped a few months before I came here. My mom found out and made me promise to stop. I never told anyone besides her.'

'Why did you tell me?'

She leaned into his hug. 'Because I found out that if you forgive yourself, the forgiveness of others doesn't hurt as much. Oh, and Jasper?'

'Yes, Bella?'

She turned to look at the sky and its stars. 'I never got to find out if Amelia forgives me. I don't plan on dying soon. But it's a question that'll haunt me forever.'

She turned to face Jasper and stood up. He followed, and they stood facing each other.

'I won't do that to you.'

And just like that, she hugged him tightly. Her arms came around his waist and he caressed her back soothingly, sending waves of calm at her.

'I forgive you,' she muttered into his shirt. 'For whatever there is to forgive, I forgive you.'

* * *

**Okay, you can now officially call me an ass. **

**Good news is, my mom's well. Bad news, she apparently bought be some new bunnies who won't STFU, so I just _had _to write this. I'm only halfway through chapter six, sorry!**

**I really promise you I'll post tomorrow, fuck Beta-ing.**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns this, she just lent me her bunny for a minute.**

**Please review - even if it is to tell me I'm an a**hole. I know I am.**

**Love, SFTR**


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